Struggling with Letting It Go and Trusting God

“You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had. Though he was God, he did not think of equality with God as something to cling to. Instead he gave up his divine privileges he took the humble position of a slave and was born as a human being.                                                                                Philippians 2:5-7

My “why me” statement sound more like “Why don’t I matter?”, “Why don’t I get to have dreams?”, and “What about me?”. Now I have to consider the struggles I go through in terms of “What am I supposed to learn that will bring me closer to God ?” or “Why has God brought me to this place?” What does this say to me now? Well for one maybe I shouldn’t be so self focused. Maybe I should look beyond myself. Look past my own nose so to speak. Actually, I like those questions much better. They appear to have a better chance of being answered than my original questions.

So what is God trying to teach me in my own circumstances. Maybe he’s just trying to get me to trust him with the way he has set this world up.

When I was younger I trusted my dad completely. To me he was a good man a good Christian man who worshiped God and knew what the bible stated. However, as I got older I realized that he was not very trustworthy. Actually he probably committed one of the worst acts to remove all my trust for everything he has ever taught me. While on the surface I still acted as if I trusted God. I don’t trust him. Simply because the one who led me to him wasn’t trustworthy. he proved that. If he couldn’t be trusted then how can a God who gave him authority over me and my family. My father was abusive. Not physically, To my mother he was emotionally abusive. To my sisters and I he was equally emotionally abusive. However to my oldest sister he was also sexually abusive. When I found that out I was completely devastated. Especially when I realized that at the time he was abusing my sister he specifically told me to watch out for her and make sure these boys who were hanging around her didn’t try to take advantage of her. All the while he was taking advantage of her. Did he really care about her safety, her virtue or her purity? Or was he just a jealous man who didn’t want another man to have what he thought he was entitled to.

While all that who can you really trust and as a woman who must then submit to some man by Gods laws can I truly trust God? I don’t know. Because in the end God may have good intentions. His plan may be perfect but in an imperfect world those plans do not always hash out that perfect. Most of the men I have encountered either personally or even through internet interactions. Not necessarily dating sights but by reading comments section of stories and other social media outlets. Most of it just proves that men cannot be trusted to be in control of women. They like to point out womens flaws much like Adam did while never accepting any responsibility of their own. I hear them call women evil. Have the truly forgotten all the evil things men have caused. A multitude of evil. Yet it is we women who are evil not those men. Why would I ever want to submit to that? They see us as weak, incompetent, inferior and they love the verse about “women having to submit to them.” It defines their very existence. In the end I don’t think women nor men have any clue as to what it means for women to submit. Since men think it means men can dominate and control women. What are women left to believe.  I hear all the time how men say. “I am the man I make the decisions you just follow my rules” The problem with the rule maker is that they seldom feel they have to follow those rules themselves. Just look at the federal government. They often pass laws and they put exceptions in every single one of them to make sure that they do not pertain to them as well. ie the Healthcare law. Why is it they do not have to take that insurance as well? it is just so irritating.

This weekend, I came across a sermon about marriage and fornication. The preacher was talking about couples who fornicated with one another prior to marriage. For the first time in my life he blamed the men. He told men if they hadn’t talked their wives into sleeping with them or if they had not slept with their wives prior to marriage then their wives would respect them. Instead most are ashamed of themselves and feel guilty and at the same time don’t trust their husbands because of this. It has always been my thought that if a man was a good Christian man he would not even require a woman to sleep with him prior to marriage. It would be a non issue because he would have chosen to abstain from sex until after marriage. That is not how this world work and it isn’t how it has ever worked. Instead we have adopted this view somewhere in the past that it was the woman’s job to keep the boundaries in the marriage. Therefor giving women the control. Then we get married and women are denied control. Supposed to submit to these men who did not want to be responsible before. If men are supposed to be the leaders then they should have taken responsibility before the marriage by not leading women into sin. Respecting her enough to not make her the bad guy no matter what decision she has made. Since she is the one who is looked down on in these situations. This is why abortion is legal. Because it is more of a shame to become pregnant than it is to commit the sin to begin with. With situations like this it is equally both parties responsibility and both parties mistake. One shouldn’t be given more shame than the other. It takes two to tango yet in our society its been seen as only one of their failures. This causes me to not trust men or want to submit to their authority either.

I am not trying to solely blame men because I know we woman have had our part in this fact. I just do not feel like I can trust some man enough to submit to him when I know he will more than likely find a way to manipulate those rules in his favor. Its just in their nature. Even when its not their rules they still find a way to make them not pertain to they themselves. You rarely hear churches tell men to remain pure until marriage so he does not ruin some woman.

Lord easy my anxiety on this issue. Even if I never get married and that is not in your plans for me I would not want to be one of those friends who poisoned another friend or family member against their spouse based on my own feelings. I want marriage to work and I want marriages to be happy and within your will and sometimes I think I could be a poison to one of those relationships.

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February 12, 2013 · 11:41 pm

Martyrdom-Let It Go

This last Sunday, I was in the nursery talking with a couple of the ladies who work that with me. One of the ladies mother has been having a difficult time. She recently lost her job. Due to a manipulative action of a co-worker of hers. This woman has been making my friends mother’s work environment a nightmare. She makes people think this woman is lazy and incompetent. Even though my friends mother gets their early and stays late often doing duties that were not assigned to her. She wasn’t given credit. One day about a month ago this woman decided to accuse her of destroying important documents. She has no real proof. She never even looked at what was shredded. Anyway, my friends mother has decided to file a grievance with her employer about her dismissal. She really doesn’t want to get the job back but she wants to clear her name. She doesn’t want this to haunt her during her job search. Well she filed the proper paper work. A week later that changed the paper work and called her and told her she didn’t fill out the work properly. It really shouldn’t matter what changes were made because she turned in the paper work prior to the changes. They are just trying to make things difficult. Anyway, This irritated me to no end. I started contemplating how I would seek revenge or even come in and save the day. I wanted to go to those people and admonish them in the way they were treating this dear lady. I wanted them to tell me why she should ever think they can treat someone so horribly. I wanted to be her martyr. Yep. That was it. I wanted to be a martyr. That would by definition of sorts make me a hero. At least that is how we Christians think of Martyrs. In some ways rightly so.

During this week I have been reading a book called Let it Go, by Karen Ehmen. In Chapter One she discusses problems with wanting to be in control. She has four types of controlling people. Soft Spoken controller; Enabling Controller; Martyr Controller; and People Pleaser Controller. Each of these people use some tactics to control even manipulate situations and people into getting her own way. Mine is being a Martyr.

Martyr: 1. A person who voluntarily suffers death as a penalty of witnessing to and refusing to renounce a religion. 2. a person who sacrifices something of great value and especially life itself for the sake of principle. 3. victim, especially: a great or constant sufferer.

We glorify Martyrs today. While this situation would not require my death. It would require sacrifice. If I had done as I felt I doubt I would have fixed anything. I have noticed I do this often. When my sisters have lost jobs or been hurt in an unfair manner I have often wanted to come to their defense. Sometimes I have in the way of cowardly calling the person whom hurt them and giving them a piece of my mind. In as non-christian of a manner as I could ever get.

I want to play the Martyr because I feel this will somehow make me indispensable. I cannot be replaced. If people see me as a super hero of sorts then they would see things my way and I would be able to get my own way. The one thing I hope to get out of this is to know when my help is really needed and to only offer that help after I have consulted with God. I want to let him be the leader and myself to simply be the instrument to fulfill his purpose.

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Being a Woman

Sometimes I think its harder being a woman. Especially a Woman who wants to seek Gods will. It seems Gods will for women is to be submissive to husbands and have no say in her life. She is just to seek her husbands council and do mundane busy work. Maybe its because I am single and do not have children. But my house isn’t that hard to clean and I usually keep a clean space. If I had a family to make a mess I would see a stronger need to clean more often. It seems in this world we find men as being valuable and women are not really needed. You see study after study about how children need fathers. Yet no one these days seems to think moms are as needed. Women are to be mens cheer leaders, maids and lovers. I don’t see a value in that life. I want to be heard. I want to have a say. But as a woman I am not supposed to have a say in anything. Maybe my future husband will listen to my side but in the end he is the one who makes the decision so I might as well keep quite. Because my say doesn’t matter unless it is to agree with him in ever choice he makes. Then if something goes wrong I am to take the blame even though I didn’t have the say. When men cheat its seen as the woman’s fault not the mans. If the woman makes a mistake its solely her fault and men do not have to share in the blame. Women however need to share in the blame for the choices and decision men make. Even though she technically has no say. Then you have the added stress of having to be worthy of the man but looking your best at all times. Never ever fail in the looks department. For me this is hard. I have already failed in this aspect. Why I am single for a reason and the reason is I am physically unattractive and therefore unworthy of any man. Women have to earn a mans love at all times of the relationship. We have to make sure he is never ever ashamed of us in any way. Because if we fail in the looks department we have failed as wives for our husbands. Meanwhile men are given love and respect freely. They do not have to earn anything because we are already unworthy of them simply because we are the weaker inferior sex. Men are the stronger superior sex. Even God gave the full control and power over women. He made sure women knew where she stands in his eyes. She stands beneath all of his creation. We are the one thing he is fully ashamed of because we are the one and only creation that wasn’t part of the original design. We are his afterthought. I don’t see in any way how God loves women nor how men love their wives. If you have to earn love then you are not really loved.

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ARGHHHH

I am so frustrated today. I had some hail damage to my car a few weeks ago. I turned my car into an Auto Body Repair shop which originally told me they would have the car finished by the first week. Well the next day they said the amount the insurance agent gave me would not be enough to fix the car properly. They had to get my insurance company to re-estimate the damages. By the end of the week they still hadn’t gone by to check out my car. The very next week the woman who works at the repair shop did an estimate. They must not have liked it I really do not know because it took the claims adjuster another week to get the claim done. They didn’t turn it into the insurance agent until this last Monday. So the insurance wastes more time and doesn’t give the repair shop the estimate until today. Which only means I cannot get my car until next week. I have had to drive around in a rental. I have to pay for out of my own pocket while everyone else is procrastinating. I finally blew today. I told them that I am going to pick up my car tomorrow and that they are incompetent and do not deserve to get paid. I want my car back and I don’t want to listen to any more excuses as to why they haven’t even started on working on the car. I was told they would order the parts the week before I even took my car into the company. They obviously didn’t so Now I must suffer. I don’t understand why all this is taking forever. I got the original estimate within two weeks and this whole processes is just so frustrating. If they tell me they understand I might just blow again. If they understood they would have been done by now instead of stringing me along for so long. I actually have a check in my purse for the repairs from the insurance agents from the first time I got the estimate. They told me to hold onto the dang thing until I picked up the car. Yet they cannot start until they get the next check. I do not understand why they have done absolutely nothing. What is the most frustrating is that they have told me they would keep me informed yet have not informed me about anything until I finally call them. If they had bothered to tell me in the first place that the insurance company was being slow I could have lit a fire under them and gotten them to work faster. I yelled at two women at the repair shop and sent four messages to the insurance company. I feel guilty about bashing these two women. They did not deserve my outburst. I should have waited to before calling them but I didn’t. Then I called again before I was even calm enough to talk kindly to these women. Imperfect Progress is right. I thought I was dealing with this minor inconvenience but I haven’t done a good job. I cannot afford to pay one more week for this rental. It has cost me more than it should have in the first place. I think I should reread Unglued and take more notes. Because I am at the end of the book and I am wondering what I have learned if anything.

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Negative Inside Chatter

Chapter 10 of Unglued by Lysa Terkeurst talks about Negative Inside Chatter. Oh my have I been waiting to get to this chapter. This is me to a tee. More so than any other part of the book that I have read so far. Not that all the other things isn’t me but this one is something I struggle with daily. So here are some of my inside chatter.

I am the ugliest thing on this earth” This thought comes to me from years of school bullying. In my school and maybe in others we had these notebooks that went around the school. They were usually meant for one class. By class I mean Freshman, Sophomore, Junior, Senior. Well I always managed to get the ugliest girl list. Not just on the list. I was either the only one or at least had my name written the most. (Yes I counted). Then kids would call me names such as “Medusa” “Bushy”. (I have curly hair which is really frizzy). Guys would literally say that in order to sleep with me they would have to put a bag over my head. So with all this I often say to myself. “I wish I were pretty, I know I am not, I am ugly.”  This affects me when I notice a guy in the room or if I am on a date or if someone looks at me.  If i see a guy look at me I automatically decide that he thinks I am ugly. Maybe he doesn’t smile so that means he thinks I am ugly right. Since he is a visual creature he must know what beauty is and that is not me. Then a friend of mine who loves being a matchmaker told me, “Kelly you need someone special”.  This obviously means that I need someone who is dumb enough or ugly (not that he is ugly but he has a low self-esteem as well)  enough to think I am the least bit attractive. I actually fear dating some guy who thinks I am ugly and uses my low self-esteem to abuse me. I have to remind myself that God created me so I am not ugly. God doesn’t make ugly, He makes masterpieces. Not only that but my mother created me and I have her genes and she is not ugly. Neither is my grandmother whom I look like. So if they are not ugly and God created me I cannot possibly be ugly.

At work we usually have files in which we must research. We have to wait for our crew manager to give us these assignments. Most times I finish and I let him know and he tells me he will give me something later. I can wait days for him to give me an assignment. While waiting my inside chatter tells me. “He doesn’t trust you, he thinks you are not a good employee and he is trying to find something unimportant to give you to do in order to keep you busy. He is just waiting for you to quit” I am not sure if this is true or if it is not. Chances are he is busy. He tells us to remind him all the time about something we might be waiting on so maybe he just forgot.  Other employees say they think I am doing a good job and tell me that he has never said anything negative about me so why do I feel this way. He also notices that I am not comfortable with him and mentions sometimes. You see i shake. I don’t know why but if I am in a situation that makes me uncomfortable I shake. I don’t really notice it so much. I only notice when someone brings this up to me. I don’t know why I do this but I do. I worry that he will only think I am crazy or overreacting or over-analyzing.I don’t know if I need to talk to him about this or if I need to tell his chatter to shut up. If he had something to tel me surly he would tell me where I need to improve. I need to pray about this and seek God for his advice.

Lastly and by far the most important, I listen to how these guys talk about women and it disgusts me to no end. I do not understand why men think this is a good way to treat or think about women. They call women a “piece of a^^”. They want to “tap that”, “thats a nice piece of tail”. This is disrespectful to these women and to the other women in our office including me. I have no clue how to talk to them about this or if I should talk to them. They probably wouldn’t understand or care anyway. Which is part of the negative thoughts I have. But here are a few more. “Men do not love or respect women. They think we are sexual toys. They don’t treat women right and they have not business treating us this way. They should know that we are far more valuable than something to sleep with. Yes I mean ‘thing’, because they do not see a human being a person at all when they look at women. There are not good men in this world. If they say ‘I love women’ I should remind them they love sex. They could care less about women.”  Its not just these men I work with but I hear this kind of talk from men everywhere. Men cheat and counselors like Kevin Lehman and Dr. Phil tell women. Its womens faults because she isn’t meeting his needs. What needs do these men meet of womens? Does this give us the right to run around on them? I think men and women are enemies. I have little interest in getting married. I know that once I do he will talk down to me all in a ruse to think that he is mister fix it and he is taking care of me. I cannot have a relationship with men because I can only see the harm they will do. My inside chatter says. “If I do get married what will happen? I will just waste away into nothing. Because since I am married I need to respect him and by respecting him I have to trust him to make all the decisions while I am left out of these decisions. However, I will be required to accept half or all of the blame for any decision he makes. I am required to do all the work in the house which will go unnoticed. Because all he sees is what he does. I must meet all his needs and realize at the same time. My needs are unimportant. The only needs that he will acknowledge are not even my needs but his needs. His need to provide. His need to make decisions. Do not go to him with any problems unless of course you intend to be told what to do and how to do it because if you have a problem and you tell him this he will automatically decide that I am too stupid to figure this out on my own and it is his job to inform me what I should do about this. I am not to question him because he NEEDS RESPECT. I do not need respect I need love. If I want that need to be met I must, must must earn that need. He does not have to earn my respect because he is superior perfect man. i am inferior, useless, worthless woman.” This is my biggest issue right now. It makes me miserable. These thoughts are on my mind every single day of my life. I do not know if this is true to life or if its just my overactive imagination. Why can’t I see the good in men. God made them so their must be some good in them. I have friends married to what I assume are good men but all I see is their flaws. My father and my grandfather were abusive. Both emotionally and sexually to me and my sisters. Well sexually to my sisters. I have never been abused in that way by either. There was a time when my grandfather was going to but I ran off and wouldn’t allow myself to be alone with him. So I also fear that if I had children with a man this would happen with my kids as well. They say women marry their fathers. If that is true who would want to marry my father or my mothers father? My mother married her father so to speak. My sister married hers. Because her two husbands were abusive to my nieces.  I truly have no clue what to do about his issue. All I can do is pray.  I need to read my bible. I don’t even think God loves me or any woman much less men. How can God help me deal with this issue.

Lysa give us three questions, which I will answer.

1. Did someone actually say this or am I asking assumptions about what they are thinking? In the first and third case above. I have heard these things being said. In all three I have also made assumptions of what these people think.

2. Am I actively immersing myself in truth? I rarely read the bible on a daily basis. I usually wait for an online devotional or I read the “Journal” devotionals for women from Lifeway. But I never just sit down and read the bible. I also get devotionals from Proverbs 31 each day which I am embarrassed to say I rarely read. If I read the title and think. Hmmm that sounds interesting then I do read them. Sometimes, I will see them and think. I will read that later. But then I get busy doing other things and some of those things are the most meaningless things in the world. You know like FBing. Really this should take like 20 minutes tops but I will waste the rest of the day on this site. I need to give that up and read the bible. Also, exercise.

3. Are there situations or relationships that feed my insecurities? In the first two cases above. I don’t think there are situations anymore that feed my insecurities. Mostly its just my own thoughts. The last one is listening to these guys and also reading comments on yahoo articles. Especially political articles or articles that talk about dating or marriage or just women and men in general. Their are some hateful comments on these sections. Some about men and others about women. These comments get me all riled up. Even comments about celebrities in which men say things like “I’d tap that” or call these women “ugly, fat, crazy. ect”. I read these comments and I feel I must reply in the most hateful way possible. I admit that I trash men on these articles and I can keep the comments going. I will be the last one talking and no one will top me.

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Unglued

I am doing a bible study for the book Unglued by Lysa Terkeurst with Melissa Taylor and several other ladies with Proverbs 31. Unglued are those moments when you react to things that “bump into your happy”. You know those moments that derail you when you are focused on a goal.

There are two types of unglued people or a combination of the two. Within these two are two separate types of people First EXPLODER. Lets face it we all know this one by heart. Because when we think of being unglued we thing of someone who throws a fit and yells and screams. The two types of exploders or the “exploder who blames others” or the “exploder who shames themselves”  The one who blames yells at another person then says. I am sorry but if you did this or that i wouldn’t be mad. You made me mad. When we do this we essentially give our power over our reactions to the other person. No one we blame wants that power over us and we sure don’t want to hand over our power. the one who shames themselves. explodes then feels guilty and starts comparing themselves to others and basically beats themselves up for the way they reacted. These exploders needs perspective with soul integrity and self control with holy restraint. I would like to emphasize HOLY RESTRAINT. Because i know without God I will not restrain myself no matter how hard I try.

Then we have the Stuffers, those who build barriers and those who collect retaliation rocks. If you build barriers then you block others out of your life and it could get to the point that you end up alone because you have closed yourself into a small room. Then the ones who collect retaliation rocks. These are you proof of a belief that you already have of what this other person already thinks.

For me I can see myself in every single one of these categories. Not necessarily one at a time though.  The way it goes with me is I while I am collecting those rocks I am simultaneously building that barrier and once I have enough rocks. I hide behind my shield and throw those rocks at this other person. I blame them on the way I feel and how I am reacting then later I am ashamed of how I have acted and reacted to that situations. If I let myself i would be the exploder who blamed others. Yet I know that so I stuff and collect my proof. I am so afraid of being hurt anyway so my barriers have been built a long time ago but if I dare let them down a little and something happens they shoot right back up fast. If you have ever seen a video of a bank in Europe during a robbery you would see what I mean. They have this metal wall that comes down so fast that it could almost break anything that is under that shield. That is how fast my walls shoot up.

The last two chapters that I have read were on needing a procedure manual and kid-placemat life.  Boy or boy do i need a procedure manual. That was such a great chapter and gave me so many insights and ideas of how to deal with things. Albeit I need to decide before hand what I am going to do before I get in that situation. It a plan on what you should do when you feel like you are about to have an unglued moment. I will go into this further.

To be honest I need to reread chapter 8 the Kid-Placemat Life but as of now my what I have gotten out of this is mainly based on perspective. Its deciding if what is getting under my skin and about to make me unglued really all that important? It’s also about the fact that I haven’t trusted God to sustain me and keep me safe. I haven’t allowed him to have control and show me his miracles in my life. Basically I am writing this based on allowing you to know what I am doing at least the beginning of this blog about.

Since I waited for Chapter 8 to start the blog. I am giving an overview. I might retouch on these other chapters later but not necessarily in the order Lysa wrote them in the book. She wrote them the way you are supposed to write a book and I am not that organized. At least not in my own mind.

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