“I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know both how to have a little, and I know who to have a lot. In any and all circumstances I have learned the secret of being content- whether well fed or hungry, whether in abundance or in need. I am able to do all things through Him who strengthens me.” Philippians 4: 11-13
Life is hard. Its hard because we constantly want things others have. We are constantly comparing what we have or don’t have with what other have or don’t have. We compare how we act and how others act. If you can compare something between two people you do. We women compare our bodies to that of our friends, kids at school, women at work and worst of all the plastic and altered versions of women in magazines like “People”. To me “People” magazine should state “Famous People” They have that article each year about the “Most Beautiful Woman in the World” How do they know? Have they searched the world? Probably not. Actually most probably never ventured out of Hollywood. They are stuck there and they have yet to figure out there is a vast and beautiful world outside of Hollywood California. Single women compare their lives to married women and married women compare themselves to single women. Women with children compare themselves to women without children and visa versa. Working women (ie those who work outside the home) and Homemakers (SAHM or Those who work inside the home) compare themselves to each other. We not only envy each others lives in the comparisons but we also criticize each other for the different choices they have made. Enter the guilt trip. Women are good at guilt trips. Really most of us truly have nothing against those women who are on the other side of the fence but we envy them. Instead of being happy in our own life and happy for how others lives are going we are envious and even disappointed in our own lives. So we go on the offensive or defensive. In our quest to defend our own lives and choices by criticizing those who have made other choices.
This week in Let.It.Go by Karen Ehman we learned about thinking of the What-ever’s that do or don’t come our ways. We are trying to stop comparing our lives tho those around us and being content to what we have. We are to focus our attention on what we have and not what others have. Unlike Eve who had a Garden full of beautiful fruit to eat and yet she longed for the one thing she couldn’t have. I understand that longing. I have longed for something since 1999. In college I met this guy and he was so cute and seemed like such a great guy. I have such a crush on him to this day. Its preventing me from getting to know other men. Well that is one of the reasons but I digress. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think about him. I have even cyber stalked him. I know that is bad but I am not planning anything sinister. Lets go back in time shall we.
First when I first started college I thought I would never ever get married. Being in high school I realized my chances were small of ever finding a man who would be remotely interested in me. While in college this idea was only re-enforced when one by one the guys I was interested in, in one way or another shot me down. One stated I was too skinny. Another didn’t like the clothes I wore. Most found other girls to date instead of me. By my third year of college my prayers went from “God will I ever get married? Is that in your will for me? To God if it is your will for me to marry can you at least give me a glimpse of the man I am to marry even if it will be a long time before we actually do get together? Enter Clay, into my math class and even into my heart. However, all the ladies liked him. Ladies far more attractive than I liked him. If he were to be interested in any of us ladies it would never be me. Lets face it in high school the kids called me “Medusa”. I would never land him. And I didn’t. We never even spoke to each other. Later after college I found him on Myspace. I got bold and told him that I was interested in him and he merely stated that he was flattered then he deleted me from his page. Crushing blow. Well I see all these women who have the man they love and they brag about how great he is, how they are not worthy of someone so great and he makes them happy and I constantly wonder why I cannot have that. It makes me constantly wonder what is wrong with me. What they have that I don’t. What is so ugly about me that is so beautiful about them. I mean they have always had a date and never ever had to wonder if they would ever find someone. Right? Not even my single friends have been rejected as much as I have been rejected. Actually in my 35 years of life I have never once had a legitimate boyfriend.
Now some of my prayers range from, “God why am I so repulsive to men? Why have you created me to be so repulsive. Please God if its not meant to be, PLEASE let me forget about this guy. I don’t want the torture any more. Its pure torture to think about him day in and day out knowing its never meant to be. Please help me figure out how to be happy with my single life and help me to figure out what my purpose is on this earth. Its obviously not to be married nor have children so it must be something else. Right?” But its hard to give that up.
All my single and married friends seem to think about is finding that one person they should marry. Me I have already given that dream up for the most part. At least until I compare myself to my other friends who are married. Or even those who change their status from “single” to “in a relationship” and either back to “Single” or “engaged” or “married to so and so.” Then I start wondering again what is wrong with me. I get involved in online dating with high hopes. Then crushed because I have had a profile for six months and not one man on that million people website is even remotely interested in me in any way. So I try to be content again and even give up that relationship. its never ever going to happen. Truth be told. I never truly give up that dream I still hold onto the dream but giving up is both hard to do and in my opinion something I need to do because holding on to this hope is only causing me to have a lower self esteem than I already have. If I give it up and stop focusing on this maybe I can learn to be content with my life and even happy I have lived this life. Maybe my self esteem will grow and I will no longer wonder “what is wrong with me?” Why am I so repulsive?” “Please someone just tell me already”.
“Please Lord, help me to be content and Let Go what is not meant for me. Help me to realize that whatever I am going through its because that is what I need to go through to become stronger in you and to learn the lesson you might be teaching me. By going through these things I might be able to mentor someone else later who will draw closer to you. I can be a living testament to you and you alone. Because the best testament to you is not my spoken testimony but my daily walk with you. The way I react to troubles and the way I treat other. Amen.