Monthly Archives: February 2013

Struggling with Letting It Go and Trusting God

“You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had. Though he was God, he did not think of equality with God as something to cling to. Instead he gave up his divine privileges he took the humble position of a slave and was born as a human being.                                                                                Philippians 2:5-7

My “why me” statement sound more like “Why don’t I matter?”, “Why don’t I get to have dreams?”, and “What about me?”. Now I have to consider the struggles I go through in terms of “What am I supposed to learn that will bring me closer to God ?” or “Why has God brought me to this place?” What does this say to me now? Well for one maybe I shouldn’t be so self focused. Maybe I should look beyond myself. Look past my own nose so to speak. Actually, I like those questions much better. They appear to have a better chance of being answered than my original questions.

So what is God trying to teach me in my own circumstances. Maybe he’s just trying to get me to trust him with the way he has set this world up.

When I was younger I trusted my dad completely. To me he was a good man a good Christian man who worshiped God and knew what the bible stated. However, as I got older I realized that he was not very trustworthy. Actually he probably committed one of the worst acts to remove all my trust for everything he has ever taught me. While on the surface I still acted as if I trusted God. I don’t trust him. Simply because the one who led me to him wasn’t trustworthy. he proved that. If he couldn’t be trusted then how can a God who gave him authority over me and my family. My father was abusive. Not physically, To my mother he was emotionally abusive. To my sisters and I he was equally emotionally abusive. However to my oldest sister he was also sexually abusive. When I found that out I was completely devastated. Especially when I realized that at the time he was abusing my sister he specifically told me to watch out for her and make sure these boys who were hanging around her didn’t try to take advantage of her. All the while he was taking advantage of her. Did he really care about her safety, her virtue or her purity? Or was he just a jealous man who didn’t want another man to have what he thought he was entitled to.

While all that who can you really trust and as a woman who must then submit to some man by Gods laws can I truly trust God? I don’t know. Because in the end God may have good intentions. His plan may be perfect but in an imperfect world those plans do not always hash out that perfect. Most of the men I have encountered either personally or even through internet interactions. Not necessarily dating sights but by reading comments section of stories and other social media outlets. Most of it just proves that men cannot be trusted to be in control of women. They like to point out womens flaws much like Adam did while never accepting any responsibility of their own. I hear them call women evil. Have the truly forgotten all the evil things men have caused. A multitude of evil. Yet it is we women who are evil not those men. Why would I ever want to submit to that? They see us as weak, incompetent, inferior and they love the verse about “women having to submit to them.” It defines their very existence. In the end I don’t think women nor men have any clue as to what it means for women to submit. Since men think it means men can dominate and control women. What are women left to believe.  I hear all the time how men say. “I am the man I make the decisions you just follow my rules” The problem with the rule maker is that they seldom feel they have to follow those rules themselves. Just look at the federal government. They often pass laws and they put exceptions in every single one of them to make sure that they do not pertain to them as well. ie the Healthcare law. Why is it they do not have to take that insurance as well? it is just so irritating.

This weekend, I came across a sermon about marriage and fornication. The preacher was talking about couples who fornicated with one another prior to marriage. For the first time in my life he blamed the men. He told men if they hadn’t talked their wives into sleeping with them or if they had not slept with their wives prior to marriage then their wives would respect them. Instead most are ashamed of themselves and feel guilty and at the same time don’t trust their husbands because of this. It has always been my thought that if a man was a good Christian man he would not even require a woman to sleep with him prior to marriage. It would be a non issue because he would have chosen to abstain from sex until after marriage. That is not how this world work and it isn’t how it has ever worked. Instead we have adopted this view somewhere in the past that it was the woman’s job to keep the boundaries in the marriage. Therefor giving women the control. Then we get married and women are denied control. Supposed to submit to these men who did not want to be responsible before. If men are supposed to be the leaders then they should have taken responsibility before the marriage by not leading women into sin. Respecting her enough to not make her the bad guy no matter what decision she has made. Since she is the one who is looked down on in these situations. This is why abortion is legal. Because it is more of a shame to become pregnant than it is to commit the sin to begin with. With situations like this it is equally both parties responsibility and both parties mistake. One shouldn’t be given more shame than the other. It takes two to tango yet in our society its been seen as only one of their failures. This causes me to not trust men or want to submit to their authority either.

I am not trying to solely blame men because I know we woman have had our part in this fact. I just do not feel like I can trust some man enough to submit to him when I know he will more than likely find a way to manipulate those rules in his favor. Its just in their nature. Even when its not their rules they still find a way to make them not pertain to they themselves. You rarely hear churches tell men to remain pure until marriage so he does not ruin some woman.

Lord easy my anxiety on this issue. Even if I never get married and that is not in your plans for me I would not want to be one of those friends who poisoned another friend or family member against their spouse based on my own feelings. I want marriage to work and I want marriages to be happy and within your will and sometimes I think I could be a poison to one of those relationships.

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February 12, 2013 · 11:41 pm

Martyrdom-Let It Go

This last Sunday, I was in the nursery talking with a couple of the ladies who work that with me. One of the ladies mother has been having a difficult time. She recently lost her job. Due to a manipulative action of a co-worker of hers. This woman has been making my friends mother’s work environment a nightmare. She makes people think this woman is lazy and incompetent. Even though my friends mother gets their early and stays late often doing duties that were not assigned to her. She wasn’t given credit. One day about a month ago this woman decided to accuse her of destroying important documents. She has no real proof. She never even looked at what was shredded. Anyway, my friends mother has decided to file a grievance with her employer about her dismissal. She really doesn’t want to get the job back but she wants to clear her name. She doesn’t want this to haunt her during her job search. Well she filed the proper paper work. A week later that changed the paper work and called her and told her she didn’t fill out the work properly. It really shouldn’t matter what changes were made because she turned in the paper work prior to the changes. They are just trying to make things difficult. Anyway, This irritated me to no end. I started contemplating how I would seek revenge or even come in and save the day. I wanted to go to those people and admonish them in the way they were treating this dear lady. I wanted them to tell me why she should ever think they can treat someone so horribly. I wanted to be her martyr. Yep. That was it. I wanted to be a martyr. That would by definition of sorts make me a hero. At least that is how we Christians think of Martyrs. In some ways rightly so.

During this week I have been reading a book called Let it Go, by Karen Ehmen. In Chapter One she discusses problems with wanting to be in control. She has four types of controlling people. Soft Spoken controller; Enabling Controller; Martyr Controller; and People Pleaser Controller. Each of these people use some tactics to control even manipulate situations and people into getting her own way. Mine is being a Martyr.

Martyr: 1. A person who voluntarily suffers death as a penalty of witnessing to and refusing to renounce a religion. 2. a person who sacrifices something of great value and especially life itself for the sake of principle. 3. victim, especially: a great or constant sufferer.

We glorify Martyrs today. While this situation would not require my death. It would require sacrifice. If I had done as I felt I doubt I would have fixed anything. I have noticed I do this often. When my sisters have lost jobs or been hurt in an unfair manner I have often wanted to come to their defense. Sometimes I have in the way of cowardly calling the person whom hurt them and giving them a piece of my mind. In as non-christian of a manner as I could ever get.

I want to play the Martyr because I feel this will somehow make me indispensable. I cannot be replaced. If people see me as a super hero of sorts then they would see things my way and I would be able to get my own way. The one thing I hope to get out of this is to know when my help is really needed and to only offer that help after I have consulted with God. I want to let him be the leader and myself to simply be the instrument to fulfill his purpose.

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