Chapter 10 of Unglued by Lysa Terkeurst talks about Negative Inside Chatter. Oh my have I been waiting to get to this chapter. This is me to a tee. More so than any other part of the book that I have read so far. Not that all the other things isn’t me but this one is something I struggle with daily. So here are some of my inside chatter.
“I am the ugliest thing on this earth” This thought comes to me from years of school bullying. In my school and maybe in others we had these notebooks that went around the school. They were usually meant for one class. By class I mean Freshman, Sophomore, Junior, Senior. Well I always managed to get the ugliest girl list. Not just on the list. I was either the only one or at least had my name written the most. (Yes I counted). Then kids would call me names such as “Medusa” “Bushy”. (I have curly hair which is really frizzy). Guys would literally say that in order to sleep with me they would have to put a bag over my head. So with all this I often say to myself. “I wish I were pretty, I know I am not, I am ugly.” This affects me when I notice a guy in the room or if I am on a date or if someone looks at me. If i see a guy look at me I automatically decide that he thinks I am ugly. Maybe he doesn’t smile so that means he thinks I am ugly right. Since he is a visual creature he must know what beauty is and that is not me. Then a friend of mine who loves being a matchmaker told me, “Kelly you need someone special”. This obviously means that I need someone who is dumb enough or ugly (not that he is ugly but he has a low self-esteem as well) enough to think I am the least bit attractive. I actually fear dating some guy who thinks I am ugly and uses my low self-esteem to abuse me. I have to remind myself that God created me so I am not ugly. God doesn’t make ugly, He makes masterpieces. Not only that but my mother created me and I have her genes and she is not ugly. Neither is my grandmother whom I look like. So if they are not ugly and God created me I cannot possibly be ugly.
At work we usually have files in which we must research. We have to wait for our crew manager to give us these assignments. Most times I finish and I let him know and he tells me he will give me something later. I can wait days for him to give me an assignment. While waiting my inside chatter tells me. “He doesn’t trust you, he thinks you are not a good employee and he is trying to find something unimportant to give you to do in order to keep you busy. He is just waiting for you to quit” I am not sure if this is true or if it is not. Chances are he is busy. He tells us to remind him all the time about something we might be waiting on so maybe he just forgot. Other employees say they think I am doing a good job and tell me that he has never said anything negative about me so why do I feel this way. He also notices that I am not comfortable with him and mentions sometimes. You see i shake. I don’t know why but if I am in a situation that makes me uncomfortable I shake. I don’t really notice it so much. I only notice when someone brings this up to me. I don’t know why I do this but I do. I worry that he will only think I am crazy or overreacting or over-analyzing.I don’t know if I need to talk to him about this or if I need to tell his chatter to shut up. If he had something to tel me surly he would tell me where I need to improve. I need to pray about this and seek God for his advice.
Lastly and by far the most important, I listen to how these guys talk about women and it disgusts me to no end. I do not understand why men think this is a good way to treat or think about women. They call women a “piece of a^^”. They want to “tap that”, “thats a nice piece of tail”. This is disrespectful to these women and to the other women in our office including me. I have no clue how to talk to them about this or if I should talk to them. They probably wouldn’t understand or care anyway. Which is part of the negative thoughts I have. But here are a few more. “Men do not love or respect women. They think we are sexual toys. They don’t treat women right and they have not business treating us this way. They should know that we are far more valuable than something to sleep with. Yes I mean ‘thing’, because they do not see a human being a person at all when they look at women. There are not good men in this world. If they say ‘I love women’ I should remind them they love sex. They could care less about women.” Its not just these men I work with but I hear this kind of talk from men everywhere. Men cheat and counselors like Kevin Lehman and Dr. Phil tell women. Its womens faults because she isn’t meeting his needs. What needs do these men meet of womens? Does this give us the right to run around on them? I think men and women are enemies. I have little interest in getting married. I know that once I do he will talk down to me all in a ruse to think that he is mister fix it and he is taking care of me. I cannot have a relationship with men because I can only see the harm they will do. My inside chatter says. “If I do get married what will happen? I will just waste away into nothing. Because since I am married I need to respect him and by respecting him I have to trust him to make all the decisions while I am left out of these decisions. However, I will be required to accept half or all of the blame for any decision he makes. I am required to do all the work in the house which will go unnoticed. Because all he sees is what he does. I must meet all his needs and realize at the same time. My needs are unimportant. The only needs that he will acknowledge are not even my needs but his needs. His need to provide. His need to make decisions. Do not go to him with any problems unless of course you intend to be told what to do and how to do it because if you have a problem and you tell him this he will automatically decide that I am too stupid to figure this out on my own and it is his job to inform me what I should do about this. I am not to question him because he NEEDS RESPECT. I do not need respect I need love. If I want that need to be met I must, must must earn that need. He does not have to earn my respect because he is superior perfect man. i am inferior, useless, worthless woman.” This is my biggest issue right now. It makes me miserable. These thoughts are on my mind every single day of my life. I do not know if this is true to life or if its just my overactive imagination. Why can’t I see the good in men. God made them so their must be some good in them. I have friends married to what I assume are good men but all I see is their flaws. My father and my grandfather were abusive. Both emotionally and sexually to me and my sisters. Well sexually to my sisters. I have never been abused in that way by either. There was a time when my grandfather was going to but I ran off and wouldn’t allow myself to be alone with him. So I also fear that if I had children with a man this would happen with my kids as well. They say women marry their fathers. If that is true who would want to marry my father or my mothers father? My mother married her father so to speak. My sister married hers. Because her two husbands were abusive to my nieces. I truly have no clue what to do about his issue. All I can do is pray. I need to read my bible. I don’t even think God loves me or any woman much less men. How can God help me deal with this issue.
Lysa give us three questions, which I will answer.
1. Did someone actually say this or am I asking assumptions about what they are thinking? In the first and third case above. I have heard these things being said. In all three I have also made assumptions of what these people think.
2. Am I actively immersing myself in truth? I rarely read the bible on a daily basis. I usually wait for an online devotional or I read the “Journal” devotionals for women from Lifeway. But I never just sit down and read the bible. I also get devotionals from Proverbs 31 each day which I am embarrassed to say I rarely read. If I read the title and think. Hmmm that sounds interesting then I do read them. Sometimes, I will see them and think. I will read that later. But then I get busy doing other things and some of those things are the most meaningless things in the world. You know like FBing. Really this should take like 20 minutes tops but I will waste the rest of the day on this site. I need to give that up and read the bible. Also, exercise.
3. Are there situations or relationships that feed my insecurities? In the first two cases above. I don’t think there are situations anymore that feed my insecurities. Mostly its just my own thoughts. The last one is listening to these guys and also reading comments on yahoo articles. Especially political articles or articles that talk about dating or marriage or just women and men in general. Their are some hateful comments on these sections. Some about men and others about women. These comments get me all riled up. Even comments about celebrities in which men say things like “I’d tap that” or call these women “ugly, fat, crazy. ect”. I read these comments and I feel I must reply in the most hateful way possible. I admit that I trash men on these articles and I can keep the comments going. I will be the last one talking and no one will top me.