the Loneliness of Singleness.

The loneliness of singleness comes with the loss of friends due to marriage, child-rearing and job changes. Not necessarily having a man or woman in your bed at night. Not that, that would not be something one should or would enjoy. Its just that for some of us we are not meant for that kind of relationship. Marriage or dating isn’t in the cards for everyone. Many singles will remain single and never marry or have a significant relationship. So our friendships become more important to us. The problem is we need to learn to have short term strong relationships. As soon as one of the members of the friendship relationship has a significant change in their lives the friendship has little choice than to suffer some. You will always remain friends, however, that friendship will take a back seat to all other relationships. Especially when one of them gets into a relationship. Because the only way for that relationship to grow the person must put their focus on them. If you get married your primary relationship becomes that with the spouse. When you have kids your focus is on the relationship of the children.

In Genesis 2:18, God states that it is not right for man to be alone. So he created woman. However, what happens when the woman is the one alone. No one was made for her. She was made for someone else. In many cases the woman isn’t wanted by any of the male creations. So what is she supposed to do when she is living her life alone and is constantly losing her friends. What does God have planned for her life. Its not marriage at least not at this point.

Most days being single means being alone. When friends are building other relationships the relationship you had will dwindle. It has no choice but to dwindle. Because the most important relationship in a persons life should be your marital and parental relationships. You have no helper. No one to go through financial struggles with. No one to lean on when things get tough and life gets scary. We hear so often of the struggles of married people. They believe they are the ones who have the most to deal with the most difficult things. But they fail to realize that they are going through these struggles with someone at their side. That is probably one of the reasons most of those relationships fail. Because they still think they are going through the life alone and they make the other person their enemy. If they bothered living through life’s difficulties with each other instead of against each other.

Losing a job as a single is difficult because you have no one who has a job who can help until you get back on your feet. You and you alone pay your bills. There is no money coming from anywhere. Then you add the emotional issues that come with this struggle. Its difficult to come home from a long hard day at work and not have anyone there for you. Being single has its struggles and being alone is the most difficult struggle.

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Outsider

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I had a dream once that I was at a get together with several people.  Some I knew others I didn’t know.  I somehow become a prisoner within a clear box.  I could still see everything that was going on around me but I couldn’t leave the place where I stood. Most people didn’t notice me standing there.  Some seemed to look in my direction from time to time but never really budged to come see me or help  me out of this box.  Its as if they didn’t see the box I was in or maybe just didn’t see me. I spent alot of time trying to come up with a way to escape this box but nothing I did would release me.  I screamed for help but no one heard my screams or came to help me out of the box.  I just didn’t know what I was going to do and what had caused me to get in this box.  I finally realized the reason I was in the box was because I had placed myself there through my own anxiety and inability and unwillingness to get out of my comfort zone.

I often feel like this. I can see my future. I am that crazy cat lady who lives in the superb that all the kids fear.  The crazy cat lady who has no cats. I currently am looking for employment and cannot find any jobs.  Each day I search for jobs but there isn’t much out there.  I do believe I have applied to all that I have seen.  I feel myself getting more and more anxious each and every single day. I get out less and less.  It is getting to where I feel anxious when I am out of my little room in my apartment.  I am anxious at the thought of leaving this room.  I know that with each passing day I am becoming a hermit.  This is my fear most days.  I know this isn’t in Gods plans for me but I don’t know his plans and I feel stuck waiting on hearing him each day.

Currently I am doing an online bible study with Proverbs 31.  We are studying the bible while reading through Lysa Terkeursts “What Happens When Women Say Yes To God”.  Actually this is the final week.  One thing that stuck out to me was the story about Genia.  She talks about how this sister in Christ told her about a how she was going through a tough spot in her life.  Through Genia telling this story Lysa was reminded of a song on a CD she had been listening to and she let Genia listen to the song.  God then placed on Lysa’s heart that she should give this CD to Genia.  Prior to this Genia was approached by a woman she didn’t even know who wanted to pray for her and told her God would give her a song.  Why is it none of this has ever happened to me.  I would love for God to speak to me and for others to tell me that I am on his heart like these women showed Genia.

Another story she tells is about a couple named Dane and Kema.  They were living the American Dream only to have God tell them to give more to God.  They are planning on building a home and then God directs them to give the money for the home to the church. Later God leads them into a mission trip for four years to Papua New Guinea.  They had their hearts set on fire for Gods work and they followed him with no shame.  I want that for my life.  Really Lysa’s entire book especially Chapter 8 follow the Early Christians principals.  If you read Acts 4:32-35 you see this exhibited.  “All the believers were one in heart and mind.  No one claimed that any of their possessions was their own but they shared everything they had.  With great power the apostles continued to testify to the resurrection of the Lord Jesus.  And God’s grace was so powerfully at work in them all that there were no needy persons among them.  For from time to time those who owned land or houses sold them, brought the money from the sales and put it at the apostles feet and it was distributed to anyone who had need.   I read this while doing a daily bible study on a bible app I have called Faithlife. It is a study bible app.  It has many things I like including the daily bible studies.  This one was from September 4 of this year entitled Utopian Truth for Today.  This passage truly encompasses Chapter 8 of Lysa’s book.  Chapter 8 is as you know entitled “Giving Up What Was Never Ours”.  Isn’t that how the passage describes the early Christians?  It said that “None of them claimed their possessions as their own but shared everything”.  If you go back earlier in the book all the way back to Chapter 2 with the five questions Lysa gives to show we are in fact hearing from God.  We are called to say Yes to God.

Does what I’m hearing line up with Scripture? Of course Acts 4:32-34 shows this.

Is it Consistent with God’s Character?  Yes his own son didn’t even view his own life as his own.  Instead he gave his life to fulfill Gods plan.

Is it being confirmed through messages I’m hearing at church or hearing through my quiet time?  Well in my case yes Both through studying this book as well as a separate study I have been doing.

Is it beyond me?  Yes and No.  It is beyond what I am comfortable with and yet it is not what I can do with God walking with me.

Would it please God?  Well  if it didn’t would he have asked me to do so in the first place.

Now I haven’t heard God tell me to give up all my possessions or any of my possessions as this time.  I haven’t yet heard him tell me to do something directly  as he did with Lysa with the CD or the Bible.  But he is leading me to get further into his word and to trust him in with all that is going on in my life at this time.  So for now that is what I am saying yes to God.

Both Lysa and Melissa gave us a 30 day challenge us to  pray and ask God to reveal Himself to us and fill us with a desire for Him like never before.  I want to live a Radically Obedient life yet I feel as if the most radical thing I would ever do is just exist in this world.  So I will take on this challenge.  Here is my prayer.

Lord, Please show me you are there.  Show me your love for me each day.  I want to know you and feel your presence.  I want to hear that still small voice talking to me, guiding me in your ways.  I want to be a Radical follower of you.  I want to be a fisher of men.  You know my heart and you see my pain and you know where you want me Lord.  Help me to see your will for me.  Fill me with a desire that is undeniable.  A desire to spread your word and do good in the world for you.  Give me the strength and courage to leave my walls before the close in on me.  Before they hold me hostage. Help me to get out of my comfort zone and to be in the world while not being of the world.  My comfort zone is being in my own home in my own room.  Not even out in the outer rooms of this apartment.  No one is going to hurt me because you are my protection. I want to walk with you each day.  I want it to be as if you and I are in the same place walking and talking just as you did with the disciples.  I love you Lord and I know you love me show me why I haven’t had a close relationship with you and help me to return to you, get in your word and speak with you often.

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Breaking Chains and saying #YesToGod

Reading Chapters 5 and 6 of Lysa Terkeursts book “What Happens When Women Say Yes To God”.  I am going to combine a couple of the Blog Topics today.

Lysa talks about the love story of between Jacob and Rachel. How Jacob worked so many years to marry Rachel. Yet I can never think about that story without remembering the part about Leah. She was less attractive that Rachel and therefore wasn’t loved by her husband as much and maybe not even her father. Since her father tricked Jacob into marrying Leah I cannot fathom him ever caring much for Leah. What kind of father would intentionally give their daughter to a man who would never fully love nor appreciate her. Just about all her sons were named after her strong desire to find favor with Jacob and be loved by him. However he only loved Rachel. He might of cared for Leah also but Rachel was the most important person to him. He shows this by how he treats the children. He loved Joseph and Benjamin. He favored Joseph amongst all his sons. Which only let those same sons to be jealous of Jacob and sell him. It may have also made Jacob a little full of himself. It seems he was a little boastful and prideful. This one family to me shows that men should only marry one woman. Because he would almost always favor one over the other and the other would be justly jealous of the other. Women need to be loved. it seem unbearable to be the one who never received that love. In today’s world men do not marry more than one woman at a time. But that still doesn’t hide the fact that many women either in marriages or not yet married often feel unloved. Me for instance, I fear I am Leah, not Rachel. No man would ever be able to love me because I do not share Rachel’s beauty and am considered the unattractive sister. This very fear lead to my fear of saying yes to God. Its one of the chains I need to make. This chain that says. Your not good enough.

We notice that even though Leah didn’t completely receive her much needed love from Jacob we know that God did in fact love her. Because he gave her children.

Genesis 29:31 When the Lord saw that Leah was not loved, he enabled her to conceive, but Rachel remained childless.

God says we are fearfully and wonderfully made in Psalm 139:14 so why am I so fearful about not being attractive enough. God didn’t view Leah as unattractive so why would he view me as unattractive.

There really isn’t any reason to fear for it states in 1 John 4:18
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. I want to be made perfect in love. What should I fear about saying yes to God he will be with me. Jeremiah 29:11-14  For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord…

God will give me the strength I need. in 2 Corinthians 12:9  But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

I need to stop being a slave to my fear for I am a child of God. as it says in Romans 8:14-16 For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship.And by him we cry, “Abba,Father.” The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children.

Lastly, I should make this my daily prayer as I wake up  each morning.

Lord, I love you completely. I want to do your will. I want to say Yes to you in all your assignments that you will give me today. I will do this as a reflection of you. So that all can see you through me. I want them to desire you so I want to display a good image of you. I know I will not be able to do this through my own strength but only through the strength you give me to accomplish each task each day. I want you to use me daily. I say Yes in the midst of anything that distracts me from your plan. I say yes to persevering in those times I doubt. I say yes to being obedient to you each day. I know you will be with me each day and I thank you for trusting me and helping me and being with me. Image

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Going through the motions.

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This week in Stressed-Less Living we discussed hitting the Reset Button in Chapter 11, The way we can do this is a six step process.

  • 1. Realign Your Life
  • 2. Recognize Your Need
  • 3. Adjust Your Focus
  • 4. Be Filled with the Spirit
  • 5. Be Faithful in Your Prayer, Life
  • 6. Believe God is Who He Says.

Boy howdy Do I need to do this. I feel as if through most of these bible studies that I have read the material but not really implemented it to my life. So as you and God is my witness I am going to stop going through the motions and actually make a change. We have learned alot during this study. One thing I am definitely taking away this time is the Verse Mapping part. I haven’t done it as much as I should have but I am still trying to work out the kinks. I am good at starting things but then I quickly lose confidence in doing them. Whether I do them right or not I automatically start thinking I am not doing things right.

1, Realign My Life. So first things first. I am going to “Realign My Life”. According to Tracie Miles we must Realign our lives by getting into Gods Word.So I need to first start out reading Gods word and implementing the Verse Mapping I have recently learned in order to get by in Alignment with God. I haven’t thought of where a good place to start is but I am going to do this. It may be that I focus on one verse or one chapter or go by how the bible is often set up and One Segment of a chapter or two. For example, As in one of my bibles in Philippians Chapter 4. Starting with Verse 1. The title states “Joy of Giving, Words of Encouragement”, then Verse 10 is titled “Paul’s Thanks for Their Gifts” and verse 21 is titled “Paul’s Final Greetings” So maybe I will start with the Joy of Giving and read that segment first and during the week verse map each verse or maybe a couple depending on the number of verses are in each segment. I need to realign my life with Christ because as is stated in John 14:6 Jesus answered, “I am the way the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” So if I am not in alignment then I am not with the truth, the way and the life. 

2. Recognize Your Need. That is easy for the most part. But I need to Recognize that I need God way before I reach the end of my rope. Because lets face it we are often holding on to strands of rope before we seek help. So before I get there I need to seek God. Read his word and Pray to him. Ask him what he sees is my need rather than try to figure it out on my own. As our reflection verse states. And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray of. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. Romans 8:26. I know I often feel like I just do not have the words or worse yet have no idea which way I should pray. For instance. Should I pray for God to make a job happen or should I pray for him to show me which choice I should make. I have been out of work for a couple of months now. I recently got an interview and they want to hire me. So do I take the job or do I wait for something else to come around? How should I word this prayer. Well I guess, Just say So God What do you think? 

3. Adjust Your Focus. I need to focus on God not on myself. I have already proven that I am not capable of doing this on my own and I need him. I need to start my day and end my day praying to God and keep in touch throughout the day. So, I need to realize that “The Lord is the everlasting, God, the Creator, of all the earth. He never grows weak or weary. No one can measure the depths of his understanding” Isaiah 40:28. How can I not focus on him his understanding cannot even be measured. My understanding remains on the shallow end of the pool. You know the part where we place babies in so they can just sit in the water without being held and can splash. That shallow.

4. Be Filled with the Spirit. As Tracie says we are pulled toward self-sufficiency. Its a strong pull. We fight and argue and demand other and ourselves to notice that we are not dependent on other yet we are independent. Its a source of pride we carry. To depend on God goes against all we hold dear. Because we do not want to submit to God. Which is one reason we want to do it ourselves. When we do things ourselves we take pride in what we accomplish. I am so bad about this because I want people to see me as an intelligent self-sufficient capable woman. Not some weak, incompetent, and needy woman. I want people to realize that I don’t need them. Which is sad because at the same time. I need someone to need me. So by not needing them I show them they don’t need me either. God created millions of people on this earth and yet we are so focused not not needing any of them and yet wanting someone who needs us. I always say that God put all these people on this planet so we can help one another out when someone needs help. Yet the moment we feel weak we run away and scream. I don’t need you I can do it all by myself. But we do need each other and whats more important we need the one who created us to begin with. He should know what to do he did in fact create us so why wouldn’t he know our needs and want to help. Allowing someone to help us isn’t true weakness in the end. Accepting that help is where we truly show our strength.

5. Be Faithful in Your Prayer Life. I have a bad habit of not being faithful in this area. I desire to have a connection with God yet I do not do the simplest thing to accomplish that connection. Simply talking to God. What a simple concept and a simple thing to do. Just talk to God daily. I look at my schedule and guess what I actually have plenty of time to Pray to God and have conversations with him. So what really is keeping me from picking up the phone and dialing his number? Probably the feeling that he doesn’t want to talk to me anyway. Or maybe i just feel silly talking to someone I cannot see.

6. Believe God is Who He Says. I guess this would be the hardest and the easiest thing to do. Because I often Doubt God is who he says he is. I doubt he cares about me. I doubt he even knows I exist. Sometimes, I doubt he is even real. I see his creation everywhere and I even see evidence that he exist but sometimes I feel so alone and so lost that I wonder if he is even real. This part has always been a struggle for me. Because I am of two minds often. I will fight anyone he denies he exist and yet still wonder whether he is real. Then I wonder if he is a God who loves me and has died for me. Because it makes no since. I don’t think I would die for myself much less die for someone else. So why would someone die for me. Especially if they don’t know who I am. Yet he created me so he must know who I am. 

God, I know you are real. I know you love me. I know you want what is best for me. I really want to connect with you. So today, I as for you to help me and keep me in check as I start to hit the “”Reset Button” of our relationship and begin to realign my life with yours. I want to be filled with your spirit. I want to be faithful in my prayer life and even my bible studies. I want to be reminded daily that you are in fact whom you say you are. You are my Lord and Savior. You are the most important being in my life. You are in fact my Father. Forgive me for all the time I have already turned my back on you. Help me to stay focused on you.

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Psalm 147:3

Psalm 147:3

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

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June 13, 2013 · 3:31 pm

Addicted to Stress?

Am I addicted to Stress? I was asked that question in Tracie Miles book “Stressed-Less Living”. Well I would never consider myself addicted to stress. Addicted to Dr. Pepper well yes but stress nope. But while reading through this book I realize I am addicted to stress. Its like I am not really living unless I have something to stress out about or worry about. If I am not worried I am being lazy. Plain and simple. I bet we all feel that way at one time or another. Each week in Melissa Taylors Online Bible Study we are given ideas of a blog. I am not sure which one this lies under but I will stick with the Addicted point. Our memory verse this week is

Psalm 22: 4-5, In you our Fathers put their trust; and you delivered them. They cried to you and were saved; in you they trusted and were not disappointed.

I need this verse right now. Because I am without a job. Actually I lost my job in time to start this study. Some of the blessings God has given me are that First. I already paid of my car not and my student loans so those are bills I don’t have to worry about. Second, I did not have to pay taxes I actually got some money back so I don’t have to worry about that either. When I first lost my job I worried most about having to pay thousands in taxes and still have to pay rent and other expenses. Talk about stress. I waited for weeks for the accountant to give me the news. I was relieved when I found out I didn’t owe anything. At this time I need to follow Psalm 9:10

Those who know my name will trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you. Psalm 9:10.

I need to put my trust in the Lord at this time because it will only be through him that I will be able to find another job. This week in Chapter 8 of Stressed-Less Living we learn that we are addicted to stress. Tracie discusses a study done by in 2005 Leadership Review, published by the Kravis Leadership Institute at Claremont McKenna College in Claremont, California. It seems there are for times of adrenaline junkies. The Accomplisher, The Personal Deflector, The Organizational Deflector and the Dramatist. In my personal opinion

I believe I would be The Personal Deflector. This person uses their addiction to keep from assessing themselves and reflecting on their situation. They often have problems int their personal lives-or no personal life at all-the last thing they want to do is face up to that. So they convince themselves they have not time. Wow, that sounds like me. I have tried to place my identity in my Career and not very convincingly. I have absolutely no personal life. I stay home and never go out and do things. I don’t socialize with others ever. I have no clue how to relate to anyone. I am sure most people consider me a snob but really meeting people or getting to know people raises my anxiety. Its stressful for me so I would rather just have a job and focus on that. I am probably the worst date any man would ever have. I cannot relate to them in any way. I feel self conscious and am constantly trying to figure out what to say to them and how to interest them. Funny thing is I have the same anxiety in applying for jobs. Because at some point I will have to have an interview with perspective employers. I will have to answer many of the same question I have to answer in a date. What do you do for fun? Where do you see yourself in 5 years? What can you bring to this company? What are your strengths weaknesses? All I think is I have no clue. I cannot fathom where I will be in five years. I don’t think I have strengths. I do however have plenty of weaknesses. I have no idea what I can bring to a company. How I can help them make any money. So therefore I do not have a professional identity. I don’t have a personal identity either. I am no ones wife no ones mother. I am a daughter and a sister but once you become an adult those seem to really have no need for you. Or at least not enough to keep you busy for the rest of your life and forget being able to provide for yourself. Yeah, I guess I am an Adrenaline Junkie and I am definitely a Stress Addict. I create in my own mind things to stress out about. That is why I have no personal life and now no professional life either. Because I am so stressed with my own abilities or lack there of or my own ability to interest someone enough that I just avoid those things. Try to keep myself busy and most importantly avoid my own dissatisfaction with my lack of a personal life.

I have seriously consider seeking a matchmaker or relationship specialist just to see how I can fix my own personal life and maybe even help me with my professional life. Like that new show “Find Me My Man” Maybe she wont help me to find me a man but maybe she will help me get over my own anxieties enough to get me the confidence and lack of stress enough for me to find me my career. I can worry about the man another time. Then again maybe I am still avoiding my lack of a personal life and just maintaining my own “Personal Deflector” status.

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What-EVER-Let.It.Go.

“I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know both how to have a little, and I know who to have a lot. In any and all circumstances I have learned the secret of being content- whether well fed or hungry, whether in abundance or in need. I am able to do all things through Him who strengthens me.”     Philippians 4: 11-13

Life is hard. Its hard because we constantly want things others have. We are constantly comparing what we have or don’t have with what other have or don’t have. We compare how we act and how others act. If you can compare something between two people you do. We women compare our bodies to that of our friends, kids at school, women at work and worst of all the plastic and altered versions of women in magazines like “People”. To me “People” magazine should state “Famous People” They have that article each year about the “Most Beautiful Woman in the World” How do they know? Have they searched the world? Probably not. Actually most probably never ventured out of Hollywood. They are stuck there and they have yet to figure out there is a vast and beautiful world outside of Hollywood California. Single women compare their lives to married women and married women compare themselves to single women. Women with children compare themselves to women without children and visa versa. Working women (ie those who work outside the home) and Homemakers (SAHM or Those who work inside the home) compare themselves to each other. We not only envy each others lives in the comparisons but we also criticize each other for the different choices they have made. Enter the guilt trip. Women are good at guilt trips. Really most of us truly have nothing against those women who are on the other side of the fence but we envy them. Instead of being happy in our own life and happy for how others lives are going we are envious and even disappointed in our own lives. So we go on the offensive or defensive. In our quest to defend our own lives and choices by criticizing those who have made other choices.

This week in Let.It.Go by Karen Ehman we learned about thinking of the What-ever’s that do or don’t come our ways. We are trying to stop comparing our lives tho those around us and being content to what we have. We are to focus our attention on what we have and not what others have. Unlike Eve who had a Garden full of beautiful fruit to eat and yet she longed for the one thing she couldn’t have. I understand that longing. I have longed for something since 1999. In college I met this guy and he was so cute and seemed like such a great guy. I have such a crush on him to this day. Its preventing me from getting to know other men. Well that is one of the reasons but I digress. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think about him. I have even cyber stalked him. I know that is bad but I am not planning anything sinister. Lets go back in time shall we.

First when I first started college I thought I would never ever get married. Being in high school I realized my chances were small of ever finding a man who would be remotely interested in me. While in college this idea was only re-enforced when one by one the guys I was interested in, in one way or another shot me down. One stated I was too skinny. Another didn’t like the clothes I wore. Most found other girls to date instead of me. By my third year of college my prayers went from “God will I ever get married? Is that in your will for me? To God if it is your will for me to marry can you at least give me a glimpse of the man I am to marry even if it will be a long time before we actually do get together? Enter Clay, into my math class and even into my heart. However, all the ladies liked him. Ladies far more attractive than I liked him. If he were to be interested in any of us ladies it would never be me. Lets face it in high school the kids called me “Medusa”. I would never land him. And I didn’t. We never even spoke to each other. Later after college I found him on Myspace. I got bold and told him that I was interested in him and he merely stated that he was flattered then he deleted me from his page. Crushing blow. Well I see all these women who have the man they love and they brag about how great he is, how they are not worthy of someone so great and he makes them happy and I constantly wonder why I cannot have that. It makes me constantly wonder what is wrong with me. What they have that I don’t. What is so ugly about me that is so beautiful about them. I mean they have always had a date and never ever had to wonder if they would ever find someone. Right? Not even my single friends have been rejected as much as I have been rejected. Actually in my 35 years of life I have never once had a legitimate boyfriend.

Now some of my prayers range from, “God why am I so repulsive to men? Why have you created me to be so repulsive. Please God if its not meant  to be, PLEASE let me forget about this guy. I don’t want the torture any more. Its pure torture to think about him day in and day out knowing its never meant to be. Please help me figure out how to be happy with my single life and help me to figure out what my purpose is on this earth. Its obviously not to be married nor have children so it must be something else. Right?” But its hard to give that up.

All my single and married friends seem to think about is finding that one person they should marry. Me I have already given that dream up for the most part. At least until I compare myself to my other friends who are married. Or even those who change their status from “single” to “in a relationship” and either back to “Single” or “engaged” or “married to so and so.” Then I start wondering again what is wrong with me. I get involved in online dating with high hopes. Then crushed because I have had a profile for six months and not one man on that million people website is even remotely interested in me in any way. So I try to be content again and even give up that relationship. its never ever going to happen. Truth be told. I never truly give up that dream I still hold onto the dream but giving up is both hard to do and in my opinion something I need to do because holding on to this hope is only causing me to have a lower self esteem than I already have. If I give it up and stop focusing on this maybe I can learn to be content with my life and even happy I have lived this life. Maybe my self esteem will grow and I will no longer wonder “what is wrong with me?” Why am I so repulsive?” “Please someone just tell me already”.

Please Lord, help me to be content and Let Go what is not meant for me. Help me to realize that whatever I am going through its because that is what I need to go through to become stronger in you and to learn the lesson you might be teaching me. By going through these things I might be able to mentor someone else later who will draw closer to you. I can be a living testament to you and you alone. Because the best testament to you is not my spoken testimony but my daily walk with you. The way I react to troubles and the way I treat other.   Amen.

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